Hot Potato
by MikeJaffa
Summary: What does the Doctor do if he finds his companion is a real pain in the neck?


TITLE: Hot Potato

AUTHOR: MikeJaffa

SYNOPSIS: What does the Doctor do when his companion is a pain in the neck?

AUTHOR'S NOTE: All right, the Doctor may be slightly OOC. But I still think this is funny. Put down all food and drink in case you do, too.

DISCLAIMER: Doctor Who is owned by the BBC. I am making no money off writing and posting this fic.

8

8

"Doctor?" Missy said, standing over the Doctor where he sat on a bench in Piccadilly Circus.

The gaunt, gray haired Time Lord the all-but-forgotten Clara Oswald had called the 12th Doctor looked up at her. "Oh, it's only you," he said pleasantly with his Scottish accent.

Missy bristled slightly. "'Only'? I'm still not your greatest enemy? Maybe I have to develop my own race of tank-driving mutants?"

"What? Oh, Davros is old hat. He's just a mad scientists, and you…well…you know. But I've just come across the most malevolent, destructive being in all of time and space."

Missy arched her eyebrows. "Oh, really? Where?"

The Doctor pointed down the sidewalk. "Over there."

Missy followed the Doctor's finger and saw the young black woman with a large afro. "Isn't that your new companion? What's her name, Bill?"

"I'm only pretending to take her on as a companion. She is, in fact, evil incarnate. I'm hoping to find out what she's up to and stop her."

Missy didn't hide her jealousy. "I did once say I wouldn't countenance a rival, didn't I?"

"Calling her a rival means you're somehow equal, but you're not. She's head and shoulders-forget it, she's standing on the shoulders of a giant who as to look down to see the clouds over your head. Sorry, Missy, but…it's still fun matching wits with you, but for sheer universe destroying power, you don't hold a candle to Bill. In fact, you can't even hold the key to the cupboard with the box of matches to light the candle."

"Really." Missy smiled. "Well, then, perhaps I should introduce myself."

"By all means."

Missy went over to Bill and struck up a conversation with her. The Doctor slowly got off the bench, lingered long enough to make sure Missy and Bill were engrossed in their conversation, and ran for it.

He blended with the human herd as it descended into the Piccadilly Circus tube station. Using the card UNIT had given him for using the trains in this time period, he boarded a train, and was relieved when he didn't see Missy or Bill coming after him. Within minutes he was coming up onto the pavement at Victoria station. He ducked down a back alley, rushed into the Tardis, and set it in flight.

Of course, Missy wouldn't have come to Earth without having set yet another diabolical plot in motion. He would have to deal with it; he had no intention of abandoning Earth to a dire fate at Missy's hands. But by the same token, Missy wasn't going to bring her scheme to fruition without him being there; gloating and rubbing his face in her perceived victory was as much a part of it as anything. So he had time to go off and have another adventure or two, while Missy had Bill for lunch…literally and figuratively.

8

8

"Doctor," Madame Vastra said as she and the Doctor entered her sitting room, "you surprise me."

"How so?"

"Well, you show up and volunteer your assistance in some of my cases, including some, for you, pedestrian matters involving human criminals who demonstrated cruelty to their fellow being, and yet remained in good spirits."

"I guess I just don't let anything get me down."

"And you're alone? Have you no companion?"

"Well-"

Jenny popped through the door. "I thought I heard you, Doctor, Ma'am! Guess who showed up while you were out? Come in, dear."

Bill entered, smiling, looking a little tired, and holding an envelope. Her smiled broadened when she saw the Doctor. "Doctor!"

"Bill," the Doctor said, smiling even as his voice betrayed his shock. "You're…all right."

"Yeah, didn't think I would be. Been running me ragged, your friends."

"Oh? What happened, Bill? And how did you get here?"

"Well, Doctor, I knocked about with Missy for a bit then she took me to Ska…ska..Skarro and dropped me off with this old chap, Davros. Kinda like everyone's grandfather, you know?"

"So he sent you back?"

"No, they sent me to the cybermen. They tried to fit me for one of their metal body suits."

"And you escaped!?"

"No, it kept shorting out. Software incompatibility, they said."

"Do tell."

"Then the cybermen sent me to the Sontarans—son-TAR-ans—where I-"

"Bill, Bill, Bill, could you jump to the end?"

"Oh, this Black Guardian bloke dropped me off with the Statue of Liberty – did you know she's an alien? And America's park service is in cahoots with her. They zapped me back here, after they gave me this letter to give to you." She handed the Doctor the envelope.

The Doctor opened the envelope and read the letter. He held his smile but started crying. "Oh, I see." He crumped the letter and absently dropped it. "Yes, an alien, have to look into that."

Bill touched the Doctor's arm. "Aw, you're so happy to see me you're crying!" She hugged the Doctor. "Well, don't worry—the universe's greatest team is back in business." She disengaged. "I'll just freshen up and be ready to go. Can't wait to check Facebook again!"

Vastra nodded. "Of course. Jenny, would please show…Bill…to the bathroom?"

"Of course," Jenny said.

As Bill followed Jenny out, the Doctor sank into a chair and covered his eyes.

Madam Vastra picked up the letter and un-crumpled it. It was written on stationery from the United States National Park Service, in the most beautiful cursive handwriting she had ever seen. She read:

'Liberty Island

'May 12, 2017.

'Dear Doctor,

'I hope this letter finds you well. In spite of that unpleasantness at Winter Quay, I hold you in high esteem and wish you the best. I was happy to learn you have found companions after you were separated from Amy and Rory; one must heal and move on. That said, while I am sorry if your current companion is not satisfactory for some reason, I am sure I speak for many sentient beings when I say it would be very much appreciated if you did not continue to palm her off on anybody else. I am sure you can resolve your issues with her using the same creativity and high moral standards you have become known for. And it is my sincere hope we will never have to discuss this matter again.

'Love,

'"Libby" (as Rory called me)

'P. S. Amy and Rory send their love, and have inquired about a large chest they left under their bed in the Tardis. Just deliver it to the security office on Ellis Island and I will take care of the rest.'

The Doctor lowered his hands. "You know, Vastra, I just realized the down side to my new regeneration cycle."

Vastra looked up from the letter. "Oh, yes?"

"I have no idea how many regenerations I have," the Doctor said, "so I don't know how many times I'd have to shoot myself if I want to commit suicide."

 **The End**


End file.
